Saturday, June 18, 2011

What I've learned at the gym

I've learned a lot about myself and life by visiting the gym daily.  I'll share with you now my new found knowledge.

About me:

  • Were I in the need to lift a car off of a person, apparently my ass would be doing most of the work.  My ass-ceps are far more powerful than my thigh-oids.
  • Were I then in need to throw that car over my head with both arms (probably to impress a chick) I would be mostly using my shoulder and back since they are out of proportion stronger than my arms for some weird reason.
  • Speaking of out of proportion, I am.  I already knew this one but changing all the settings on the gym machines reminds me each time.  My legs and arms are not in proportion to my torso like a  normal human being, I'm a freak, and it's ok.
  • The muscles used to open my legs apart are stronger than the muscles used to close them shut *cough*slut*cough*
  • I've learned that I am much more comfortable with my body and self such that I do not have to quickly change when no one is looking, if I need to be naked, so be it.  However, I do not think I will ever be so comfortable to stand naked except for sandals and have a twenty minute discussion with someone.  Kudos to all you old naked men out there.
  • Due to the combination of lack of height, paranoia, and ocd-tendencies, I end every workout with a hop.  (I have to hop up to make sure I didn't leave anything behind on the locker shelf that I can't normally see even standing on tiptoes.)
  • I've also learned that some people are simply better than you or me.  I shall label them Elite and prove to you their existence through the following observations
  1. The Elite do not need to wipe down the gym equipment after using it.  Their sweat is so angelically hygienic that it is an honor and privilege for you to use the damp equipment when they are done.
  2. The Elite can use whatever equipment they want and when.  They do not need to follow the numerous posted signs proclaiming that people going through the full circuit have the right of way. Their time is simply more valuable than yours, why else would they jump onto a machine right before you and make you wait.
  3. The Elite are allowed to set their water bottles on a treadmill and (while the treadmill is still running) walk away to do some other part of their workout, making everyone else wait for a different machine.
  4. And based on all of the above, the Elite are male.
What I've learned about the YMCA in particular:
  • In order to accommodate for the old people and the children who make up the majority of pool users, the water will be so warm that no matter how many times you've been in it, you will immediately think upon entering it "Ugh, who just peed here?!"
One last observation, particularly useful for small business owners I would think.

  • If you own a parking lot that has 2 points of access and at one time in the distant past, these 2 points of access were unlabeled and acted as both an Exit and an Entrance, but are now very clearly labeled Entrance and Exit Only, you will always have drivers who drive in through the Exit and leave through the Entrance because at one time they were allowed to do so.  They are grandfather-claused and allowed to ignore both signage and fellow motorists.  (These drivers however are not members of the Elite, because these drivers are female.)
Something I've learned while typing this entry.  Sometimes things are funnier in your head.

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