Saturday, May 28, 2011


Just a quick note on an observation.

There are too many people in the world.  Here's my empirical proof:  I've used "xenozephyr" as a username on the internet for ages.  Not just years...ages!  Yet, nowadays when I sign up for an email address, blog, or anything else internet related and choose "xenozephyr" it always tells me "Sorry! That Username is not available".  When a made up word such as xenozephyr is routinely unavailable, then there are simply too many people in the world.  I mean, it's got an 'x', a 'z', a 'ph', and a 'y' in it!

Today we have to be even more creative than in the past in order to just get through all of the randomness that mutes us.  Just remember that the next time you read something of mine and think "Oh boy, that fella's pretty creative", I'm even more creative than you think.  My words had to travel through the dredges of mediocrity polluted by an overabundance of chimps with typewriters!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

High School Reunions and Statistics

Recently I've been exposed to an ongoing conversation regarding my 20th High School Reunion.  Thanks Facebook Groups for the spam!
When the Facebook Event was created and I was sent along a message asking me if I were attending (Yes, No, or Maybe) I quickly, and gleefully, clicked on No.  To be clear to my readers, I currently live in my hometown and really have nothing going on in my life, so distance and time were definitely not a factor in this decision.

I've read quite a few messages essentially saying "Can't wait to be there and find out how everyone's been doing!!!".  Really?  Are there people like that still, even in my generation?  I understand it when my grandmother talks about catching up with her friends from school.  There was nothing else going on back then.  That was the age when people actually knew their neighbors.  I don't talk to my neighbors (but to be fair that's because the majority of my neighbors are related to me.)  I'm not the most social of persons but I'm hardly a wallflower and still it surprises me that anyone my age would be remotely excited to visit with people whom they hardly spoke to half their life ago.

If you're still curious why I would never go, I'll break it down for you.

Of a class of 257 students.
People who I would legitimately like to see: 9 (3%)
People that I'd put up with a few minutes of small talk: 21 (8%)
Completely Awkward Encounters: 5 (2%)
People I greatly dislike and would hate to even see from half a room away: 15 (6%)
People who I absolutely do not care about: 207 (81%)

Those figures of course assume that the people who I'd like to see would even attend.  So, in a random group of 4 other people, I'd likely end up having to talk to 3 people who I've never talked to at all in my life and perhaps someone who I shared a class with once and didn't completely despise.

Says hypothetical random female friend: "So, Dan, why aren't you going to your twentieth high school reunion?"

My reply: "Statistics my dear, statistics."

Monday, May 23, 2011


I've published my first post in my new blog and yes, I already have to recant it.

So, as it turns out, this package that I was obediently waiting for never even existed!
The sender (an eBay store) informed FedEx that they would be shipping two items but never did.  That's annoying in itself, however, I think FedEx bothers me even more.  FedEx took this information and said "Uh, oh ok George!" and never bothered to look down and see that their hands were empty!  They generated a delivery date on two packages that didn't exist and never checked it until after the delivery that didn't happen.  Very annoying.

I had sent in one email to FedEx simply asking about my packages.  After discovering what had happened, I send them another email.  I thought you might enjoy reading it.  I had fun writing it.

Dear Sir/Madam/Rumormonger:

I have since contacted the sender and discovered that they never sent either package.  Besides my dissatisfaction with the sender, I am greatly disappointed with your company.  For more than a week, your computer system informed me that 2 packages would be arriving at my location and only after I inquired was the truth discovered.  For more than a week, your computer system believed that 2 objects existed when in reality, they did not.  I find this highly annoying and even slightly disturbing.  

What's next?  Are you going to tell me that Santa Clause isn't real?  That there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy??  

I hope to God (who's very existence has now been cast into doubt) that the next time FedEx brings me a package that it's delivered by Big Foot, wearing the Emperor's New Clothes while riding a Flying Pig.  If not, I send it back.

I rearranged my schedule to be home waiting for two packages that didn't exist.  Thanks for making me a jackass!

A customer who no longer believes

My follow up email to the sender was far less whimsical and slightly more colorful.  I'll leave that one to your imagination.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


I begin this blog as I do this day, with waiting. Like most, I do an extraordinary amount of waiting.

Today, I wait for the FedEx man. Do you think it's sexist that I assume it's a man? Well, while I rarely receive deliveries from FedEx, the few that I have received have all been delivered by men. And (yes I start sentences with the word "and" on occasion, it's something you're going to have to learn to live with) two days ago I witnessed a FedEx delivery at a business, and that person was also a man. This time assuming only made an ass out of you.

Anyway, FedEx estimated that my package would arrive yesterday, and when it didn't I couldn't help but to contrast FedEx with another company, Amazon. Amazon sends me things via either UPS or USPS. Amazon's delivery estimations are consistently over shot. I receive all of my Amazon orders at least one day in advance. This leads to a serendipitous feeling even though the consistency of their "earlier than expected" estimation contradicts the "unexpected surprise". And though I recognize this as a none too subtle business practice geared towards manipulating their customers, I am still elated upon receiving an "early" package. I approve of this practice.

FedEx however, apparently tries to honestly estimate and give it's customers an unbiased answer. Boo FedEx! How dare you sirs! (Ok this time I'm assuming that the people in charge of making decisions at FedEx are men and therefor I am being sexist.)

Lastly, while I wait, I wrinkle my nose at the scent of swamp and sour dirt emanating from my sneakers. Hurry up FedEx man (again, not sexist).